Nobody can waste your time (and how to make that true)
Photo of Iron Man tilting at windmills taken by author at Crosby beach, Liverpool UK.
The next time you find yourself tilting at windmills…
Know that it’s not possible for someone to waste your time. After all, nobody has that much control over you. Or of time.
When we say that someone or something wasted our time, what we really mean is that we didn’t get the value we expected from the interaction or experience.
But what if that weren’t possible?
There’s always value to be had. And we can even shift our expectations to ensure it.
We create the value
To say someone wastes your time is to say that there was no value in the exchange. But that’s not how value works.
Value is subjective. It’s not tangible or given. You create it. And as such, you have the power to decide what the value is and how much.
Which is pretty great when you think about it. That means you can always find at least some value. And the more you look, the more you’ll find.
The tiny flaw in our thinking
What we’re really talking about is the value we put on our attention. We want our attention to be well-spent. For it to matter and feel meaningful.
What if we could find value in any time spent, doing anything at all?
This is possible, but it requires a small mindset shift.
But let’s not take it too far…
I am not talking about being ceaselessly positive about every experience. Or seeing the beauty in everything. That’s exhausting. Also, not realistic or sustainable.
Things will bore us. We will be displeased. Made uncomfortable. Laden with extra work. Sent on pointless missions. We don’t have to be happy about any of that. But we can still get value. We can feel like our attention given was worthwhile.
I’m also not talking about people who are destructive, dangerous, or otherwise harmful. They’re not time-wasters; they’re from a land beyond. This is not a question of trying to tolerate bad people for the sake of getting something valuable.
So who then?
I’m talking about our personal rogues gallery — the boring presenters, the uninspiring teachers, the sloppy instruction-givers, the inattentive and the careless.
And the sunk cost endeavours, too. The terrible films, the long and meandering meetings, the dull workshops, the cancelled projects, and the pointless repetition, the pointless repetition, the pointless repetition.
This is where we can make a tiny shift in our thinking, get our expectations met and our desire for meaning fulfilled.
Ways to find value
Below are several ways we can shift our perspective from wasted time to time well spent.
These examples apply to situations where you recognise in the moment that you have feelings of your time being wasted. Following this section are prompts for when you want to look back on a situation and find value.
Here are some strategies you may try in the moment:
Go meta: Forget content, what about all that other info?
When I’m in a boring presentation, where perhaps I’ve found the content irrelevant, I might find myself tuning out. And that’s when the sociolinguist in me starts tuning in. I go into observer mode and may start listening for…
The particulars of an accent, style, or presentation. Maybe I can figure out where they’re from. Or if I already know, what are the tells?
I listen to the person’s breathing or intonation. Are they nervous or have they relaxed into speaking?
Whatever else about that might be interesting. What am I drawn to? What am I put off by?
What I can learn here. There’s always something to learn from observing. What do I notice?
Whatever your interests and skills (mine is language and people), you can tap into that and practice. This can be a form of play. At the very least, it can transform the unenjoyable into enjoyable, perhaps even entertaining.
That’s you creating value for yourself.
Go macro: Look at the wider context
How is the person using their space?
What’s been good about this bigger picture?
Where do they fit into things? Where do I?
Again, there is much to learn once you start noticing.
Don’t forget to look at your own macro-context. It’s worth asking yourself, what was my expectation going into this? Why did I expect that? Why was it not met?
The insights from these answers will be helpful for spotting the next opportunity and setting your expectations accordingly.
Play evaluator
When you’re not required to actively listen or otherwise participate, you are in a prime position to dedicate your attention to gathering useful insights about yourself and others.
What are they doing well?
What aren’t they doing well?
What are they doing (or not doing) that’s prompting the ‘wasted time’ reaction in you?
Why does this push your buttons so?
Who does this remind you of?
These answers provide valuable information that can go toward ensuring that you are getting the most out of the time you spend, whatever the circumstance or outcome.
Imagine yourself in their shoes
What would you do differently? How would you feel?
This is a good place to practice empathy. Maybe there’s even something you could do to help. It’s a great way to sharpen skills — always a good use of time.
Get curious
Everybody knows something you don’t. What is their area of expertise?
If it’s appropriate, ask questions. In two-way interactions, it’s ok to be assertive and influence the direction of conversation. People want to be helpful and interesting to others. Instead of passively hoping they please you with good conversation, gift them the opportunity to be valuable.
In other words, what if you found the sweet spot between something you want to know and they’re uniquely positioned to speak to? Where might that lead? What opportunities could that open up?
Even if it felt like a waste at the time…
None of this observation needs to be in the moment. You can always go back to any experience — even one you didn’t find valuable at the time — and reflect on it. Here are some questions to prompt your thinking:
How do I feel about that experience now that I’ve had time and distance from it?
How did this person or event fit into the broader context of my life, my interests, my network?
What do I know now that I didn’t then?
What would I do differently?
The answers to any of these questions can bring about worthy insights about who you are, how you’ve grown, what you want, and more.
That’s never a waste.
You got value from reading this, if you choose to accept it
Someone wasting your time is a choice. You have decided to let someone else assign a lower value on your effort and attention. Yet, you still gave it.
You can decide it’s not true. And find the reasons why. You don’t even have to show them or otherwise prove it. Deciding it was worthy and convincing yourself is enough.
Sometimes we learn the most from the least enjoyable people. I’m using the word ‘enjoyable’ here as a stand in for those who are perhaps less helpful. Or interesting. Or agreeable. The people who challenge us, test us, make us uncomfortable.
Sometimes the “time-waster” is us. We’ll all have our chance to play these boring and tedious roles, too. Let’s hope that our recipients give us the gift of grace as we fumble and stall our way through the long, painful minutes.
Regardless of who is wasting time or creating value, know that ultimately, it doesn’t matter if the talk was boring, the project was ultimately cancelled, or the meeting turned out to be a disappointment. What did you notice? In yourself and others. What did you learn?
The value is there, you just have to surface it. That’s your work. And if you choose to do it, you will find that nobody and nothing can waste your time.
Gratitude and references:
Thank you to everyone I’ve met with for all the impromptu coaching calls, Lunchclub meetups, random pick your brain sessions, spontaneous cuppas, and more. To all those meticulously planned events, too. And everything in between.
I’m especially grateful to lifecoach Cristina Roman, who challenged me about the impossibility of wasting time several years back, in response to a complaint I had about someone I was working with. It’s clearly stayed with me. We even riffed on this and other contrarian perspectives when I was a guest on her podcast:
What you’ll hear in this insight-packed episode of the Half-Finished to Done Podcast:
How to agree with yourself
Getting your values sorted
Dealing with anxiety and dread
How to feel accomplished
Creating results when you’re not at your best
Overthinking vs. deep thinking
And thank you, reader, for making it to the end. I hope you create lots of value from reading and reflecting on this.
An older version of this story was first published at Medium on Aug 31, 2023.
