Letting old habits go and making new ones stick

Road sign photo by eugenesergeev from Getty Images

“We don’t let behaviour go until we know how to replace it”

I've been thinking about this quote for months, since I first heard it from a fellow coach in a group supervision session.

At first, I went a bit big with the idea. The word ‘behaviour’ reminded me of how I wish I sat on the couch less. Or that I went to bed earlier. Or didn’t think about what other people thought. Of everything.

Then it occurred to me that those behaviour patterns were the culmination of many small ones. They’re made up of sub-routines and tiny habits.

Breaking things down into these smaller components would be more manageable; and my success inevitable. Or so I thought.

Stopping isn’t enough

We all want to carve out extra time in our day. Or to put the phone down (and not pick it right back up again). There's a reason why revenge bedtime procrastination is a named thing.

We have the intention to make the necessary changes; we may even have a plan.

So why haven’t we done it already?

Why what you’re doing it isn’t working (yet)

If there’s something you want to quit, stop doing, or do differently, then you’ve likely only been focusing on the first part of the equation. It’s not enough, because the other part hasn’t been considered, much less factored into your plan.

Put a more encouraging way, you’re already halfway there.

The other half of the equation — what will you do instead?

What may be really going on here is that you haven't given conscious thought to what behaviour will replace the one you’re giving up or changing.

If you want to spend less time on the couch, what do you imagine yourself doing instead?

If you want to quit picking up your phone, what will you pick up — metaphorically or otherwise — when the urge resurfaces?

For anything else, what’s going to fill that space where the behaviour once was?

Making new habits stick

In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear defines a Habit Loop: CUE > CRAVING > RESPONSE > REWARD. He gives several examples of this, such as the following for what’s happening with your phone addiction:

Problem phase

1. Cue: Your phone buzzes with a new text message.

2. Craving: You want to learn the contents of the message.

Solution phase

1. Response: You grab your phone and read the text.

2. Reward: You satisfy your craving to read the message. Grabbing your phone becomes associated with your phone buzzing.

How might you replace this behaviour? How do you deaden the cue, nullify the craving, change your response and get a better reward?

James Clear presents four simple laws toward building good replacement behaviours, and breaking the current ones:

Idea source: Atomic Habits by James Clear. Table created by me in Canva Pro.

Using this framework, you can get into the real work of changing behaviour — identifying the current habit loop and how it works, generating ideas for what to do instead, and choosing a way forward.

Then you can optimise the new replacement behaviour and make the unwanted one less visible, less appealing, more difficult, and unrewarding.

10 steps to replacing an unwanted behaviour

Here's a quick 10-step guide to help you go from I don't know how to change to I don't do that anymore.

1. Identify the behaviour you want to change. Focus on one thing at a time in this exercise. For this behaviour, think through what currently makes it obvious, appealing, easy and rewarding for you.

2. Understand your reasons for why you want to make this change. Write them down or say them out loud. It's important that you commit some action outside your head. This externalizes your thinking and helps you see the bigger picture of how this change will positively impact your life.

3. Ask yourself, do I like my reasons? If you don't, there is extra work required here, as you are not on board with why you're wanting to change. You don't want to be fighting yourself on this (disagreeing with yourself leads to misery, procrastination or worse).

4. Then ask yourself, why haven't I changed this previously? List all the reasons you were unable to change the behaviour in the past. Why you didn't start, why you gave up, what happened, what you were thinking or feeling at the time, anything that comes to mind. This enables you to understand the habit loop at a deeper level, which will be useful at step 9.

5. Recognise what's different now. If you can't think of anything, start by acknowledging that you've never approached things this way before, which is progress in itself. What else is different about you or your situation now? Especially important are positive factors that will increase your chance of success. The more you bring these things to your consciousness and reinforce them, the greater aid they will be to you.

6. Generate a list of options for what you could do instead. Know that doing nothing is also an option, so long as you are ok with that. Remember, the key here is identifying ways you might replace your unwanted behaviour.

7. Pick the option(s) that you think will be the most successful for you. Why do you think this will work best for you? Again, do you like your reasons for choosing these options?

8. What could prevent you from following through with trying these options? Make a list. These are not showstoppers, but rather obstacles that you will need to navigate around. This may require practice; this is an opportunity to hone those skills.

9. Come up with a strategy to neutralise every obstacle in the list. Refer to James Clear's 4 laws above and ask yourself the following:

   • What are the ways I can make unwanted cues invisible? The cravings unattractive? The temptation to slip back into old ways hard? The reward less fun or satisfying?

   • What are the ways that I can make the new cue stand out? Make my desire for this more attractive? Enable myself to choose this new thing easily? And make the reward even better?

10. Give it a go, reflecting on what's working or not working as you try out your options. Revisit your lists in the steps above if you hit obstacles, need a reminder of why this is important to you, or are otherwise feeling stuck.

It’s a process, not a test

Start with a small but meaningful behaviour that you want to change, follow the steps, and trust the process. It may be tempting to skip over some parts, thinking that you've either figured it out already or you don't need to do that step. This is the thinking that got you here; it's its own habit loop. You are changing the way you think about change, too.

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If you want to take this work further, download the free Habits Worksheet