Learning from the stories we tell ourselves
Two helpful concepts to make better sense of things
The story I’m making up
Signal on the ground while lost at the University of Boulder, Colorado campus, summer, 2011
“The story I'm making up” is a concept from the mind of Brené Brown, nicely described in this Business Insider article.
The example Brené Brown uses is a conversation she had with her husband during a swim. She feels that he rejects her bid for affection, and, caught up in her own experience, she doesn't realise that her husband is going through something else entirely. He's trying to fight off a panic attack in the water.
Oblivious to his reality, the story that she makes up to explain the perceived sleight is about her attractiveness as a woman and wife. Coincidentally, the source of her husband’s panic is stemming from a story he was making up about his capability and strength as a man and husband.
It's a great illustration of what each person is thinking and how that forms two parallel narratives about the event.
Both narratives have essentially nothing to do with each other in a causal sense. Yet, both of them are having a similar experience — a 'shame story' about their worth in the relationship.
In this example, 'the story I'm making up' helps surface limiting beliefs. With that new awareness, both Brené and her husband can consciously choose how to respond to unwanted feelings.
Noticing the stories we tell ourselves
You can apply 'the story I'm making up' to your conversations with yourself.
When we understand our own stories, we are better equipped to relate to and empathise with others about theirs.
“With those five words, you check the narrative in your head.” — Business Insider
Applied inwardly, 'the story I'm making up' becomes a way to check your thinking, challenge your assumptions, and pause to consider a different approach. Awareness of the stories you tell yourself means you can better understand why you feel the way you do. It enables you to tweak the story and send yourself down a different path.
By noticing the story early, we can edit, rewrite, and reframe, ultimately changing where it goes and how it ends.
This is the part where…
We are not passive observers of our stories. We experience all the parts of them in one way or another.
Sometimes this experiencing can be awkward, unpleasant, anxiety-producing or worse. When it's the latter, bigger strategies may need to come into play to cope with the experience.
However, when things are less debilitating, but still unwanted, it can be challenging to reconcile what is happening or stay in the story. We often want to resist, avoid or minimise what we are feeling, so that we can move past this part in the story to something more enjoyable. That doesn't always serve us well.
That's when I like to rely on the wisdom of another daring woman, Kara Loewentheil. She brings us this gem in her podcast episode: This is the part where…
Telling yourself this phrase (and filling in the rest with whatever is happening) allows you to pause and process. It places you — the narrator — slightly apart from what is happening. That distance can be crucial for minimally accepting the circumstances and inviting new ways of seeing in.
“[This is the part where] helps us access a future perspective. We’re looking at it from a place where the story has already moved on and we can look back with more peace and compassion.” — Kara Loewentheil
Putting the parts together
“This is the part where I struggle through a meeting awkwardly for 30 minutes and pray for it to end”
Using these two concepts in tandem is a double-dose of healthy reality.
'The story I'm making up' helps us make proper sense of things, while 'this is the part where' encourages us to accept what we may not like about it.
I experienced this double-dose recently in my work life.
I noticed I was feeling anxiety and dread in the hours before a recurring meeting. At first, the story I was making up was that the participants in the meeting were bored and didn't think I was doing a good job of managing the project. Even the 'this is the part where' was influenced by this story. It became, 'this is the part where I struggle through a meeting awkwardly for 30 minutes and pray for it to end'.
What if the story I was making up was wrong?
My thinking about it certainly was. The reality was that I was feeling anxiety and dread because I wasn't clear about my role in the meeting. I needed confirmation that I was fulfilling the expectations of the stakeholders.
This questioning changed 'the story I'm making up' to something more like:
These people are relieved that I'm taking the reigns, as they are probably also unclear about meeting roles and whether they were doing their parts.
Subsequently, 'this is the part' transformed into:
…where I practice asking for feedback and seek clarity and alignment from the group.
The awkwardness and discomfort were still there, but at least they we no longer hanging on expectations that I should be doing better.
Concluding thoughts
To take your next step with this thoughtwork, focus on noticing the stories you tell yourself and applying 'this is the part where' when you face challenging situations.
Recognise that it's not always easy to get from the limiting thought (e.g., I'm not doing a good job) to a more empowering one (e.g., I'm practicing leadership skills). Building a Thought Ladder can help you take things further.
These are small tweaks, but they are extremely powerful ones. They are the building blocks that life-changing transformations are made of. To find out more about how that works, explore what coaching is and how it can help you.
