Glimmers and Getting Unstuck

A glimmer in the dark. Photo by Rostyslav Savchyn on Unsplash

This story was first published on 13 October 2024 on Medium. You can read the original version here.

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“What’s your top takeaway or insight from this conversation?”

I ask this question at the end of every coaching session. The answers often surprise me, even when I already have an idea of what the other person might say.

I only recently started asking myself this question each time. That enquiry has led to some surprising insights.

My top takeaways from coaching conversations

Here are my top learnings about people, gathered from the 800+ hours I’ve spent coaching in the past four years:

• The things people overthink are fairly unsurprising, but there’s always a reason. It usually comes back to a mismatch of values, an unmet need, or an unresolved misunderstanding.

• What truly worries people is not what you might think. We don’t know until we peel that onion. The center always looks different than the skin.

• I don’t have the answers, but you might. So I ask. People usually come up with things I hadn’t considered or thought of. Even if we do arrive at the same solution, it’s better coming from you. The more you own an idea, the more likely it is to work.

• People can move on very quickly once they gain a transformative insight. Like an animal released from a trap, sometimes we need to bounce off once we’ve been freed from whatever has been keeping us stuck. I’ve learned not to belabour the point or get in the way of that.

• I might not see the impact of our conversation until much later, if at all. People process information in all different ways and at different paces. I have to trust the process and get good of letting go of my desire to know the end of the story; it’s not mine.

• I see how alike people are. Just like how everyone has language, everyone is creative. We’re also all perfectionists, procrastinators, and anxiety-havers. It’s just a matter of “how does that show up for you?” And how much? Is it getting in the way?

• The themes that emerge in conversation guide me to the questions, tools or frameworks that might be useful. So I’m always trying to step back and look out for those broader strokes, while staying in present step with you; it’s a dance and we’re all a bit clumsy at times.

• I’m also looking out for glimmers — little bits of hope, a smirk, a twinkle. These are especially important when things get dark. When the energy drops. When we feel stuck again. Glimmers lead the way out. If I spot one, I’m usually onto something. “When you said that, I noticed a little laugh, what was that about?” I might even make that question shorter, “What was that laugh?” Or, “And the [mimic the sound]?”

• I see how different people are. The themes and glimmers might be predictable, but the expressions are always different. This is what makes the work fun, challenging, and novel.

And top takeaways from the work

Here are some broader learnings from the last four years of working for myself. These are less about coaching and more about the work:

• Anybody can do this. And we all should, to at least some degree. Anybody can give the talk, be a coach, or simply be more coach-like — a deeper listener, a space-holder, a safe place for someone to think.

• There’s enough room (and people) for all of us to do the work. And get paid enough for it. But we do need to change several things about how that work is supported and how people are compensated. These are wider problems with capitalism, not just being an entrepreneur.

• We can make anything work. Some tools are better suited for the task, though. I’ve found that most of those ones are free.

• I do the parts I enjoy; I try to work around, gently through, or over the rest.

• This work is relational, not transactional. As such, the marketing requires a relationship funnel, not a sales funnel. It takes longer. Be patient.

• Less is more.

Your top takeaway?

We can gain transformational insights from every conversation. Even when the focus isn’t on us.

What’s your top takeaway or insight from this one? I’d love to hear about it!