Listening works better when you don’t have a clue
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Here’s an insider secret about coaching…
A session often works better when I don't understand what you're talking about.
Three reasons why not knowing can be an asset
There are of course more reasons, but these are the ones that matter most in a coaching-style conversation:
I listen better. Not knowing forces me to listen and notice more intently. To what's not being said, to body language, to expressions and emotions. Which means…
It puts the focus in the right place. There's an adage in coaching that goes, “Coach the person, not the problem.” Not knowing the details of the topic keeps things centered on your thinking and response. Which is important because coaching is all about advancing your thinking. Leading to…
More talk about what matters. I don't want to waste your time having to explain stuff to me. I don't need you to (unless it's useful for you to talk it through). So if you offer to explain something, I may counter-offer with, “Only if it's helpful for you to do so!”
What it looks like in practice
I recently had a coaching session with a newly promoted leader who was experiencing some unexpected anxiety in her regular update meetings.
In our session, we explored the thoughts and feelings that were happening, as well as possible reasons for the reaction. Then we shifted to practicing a portion of the meeting. I listened while she relayed a small bit of what she’d said in the previous week’s meeting.
Of course, I didn’t have a clue what she was on about. And it was great!
By not following the words, I was able to pick up on a wealth of other information. Mainly, I noticed that her pace was quite fast and her breathing was shallow, high up in the chest. I could sense my own breathing shifting to accommodate as I listened.
She said afterwards that she didn’t feel the panic that time. Which is great of course, and somewhat expected given the safe space and one-to-one context. Still, I wondered, would an anxiety response be less likely if she delivered the update in a different way? Especially in the more stressful environment.
We went through the update again, this time slower, with pauses, and with more deep breath. We both noticed the improvement in the experience. And with that small adjustment, she felt like she had what she needed from the discussion. We then moved onto the bigger topic we had planned for the rest of the session.
At the end of our time together, I asked what her top takeaway was from the work we had done. We were both delightfully surprised by what came up. Despite the overflowing Miro board of notes we had created together over the much more lengthy and involved second topic, she said that her biggest insight was ‘the breathing bit’. She had discussed this challenge with several people in the past week, but none had approached things this way. Nobody had noticed this part. That’s the power of deep listening. And why sometimes knowing stuff gets in the way.
What’s your top takeaway?
These concepts aren’t just true for me. Try it out next time you're having a coaching-style conversation. Let go of wanting to know the facts on the ground. Listen for what's underneath.
Have you tried sitting with that unease of not knowing…and having that be a good thing?
If you want to experience what it's like to be deeply listened to, by somebody who may not have a clue what you're talking about, get in touch with me!
