Coaching demystified — what actually happens in a session
Image by DALL•E 2
Over the weekend, I listened to the BBC podcast series, A Very British Cult, about Lighthouse — a so-called coaching-mentoring group that has destroyed families and scammed dozens of people out of their life savings and more.
It’s an engaging story, well-told, with a satisfying ending.
The person who recommended it also gave warning it could make me angry and that it perhaps gives coaching a bad name. It did and it does. But not for the reasons you might think.
Laid bare for all to see, Lighthouse is such an overt scam, so ridiculously harmful, so dangerously culty that it’s hard to feel threatened by it at all. Lighthouse is not even in the same ocean as coaching or mentoring.
The BBC, however, with its long-standing credibility and its legacy of quality programming, did put me on the defensive.
To their credit, they interviewed 10 experts about cults, and from that, they shared a wealth of stats and stories of tangible harm that cults can and have caused. It was a thought-provoking exploration and lent more nuance to the motivations behind why people get sucked into cults and how it can be challenging for them to leave.
In contrast, the host met with one coach for a single session and then posed several preposterous questions to him on what coaching sounds like it is, based on the Lighthouse activities. Questions so inane that each time, the coach laughs and yelps, “Nooo!”
What the show doesn’t cover is this:
The well-established differences between coaching and mentoring
The International Coaching Federation (ICF), its coaching code of ethics, and the evolving standardisation of this booming global industry
And perhaps most pertinently, what coaching actually is and how it works.
The third point is what I’ll address here.
Defining what coaching actually is
Coaching is a future-focused conversation between at least two people, focused on one of them, where they feel seen and they gain new insights that help them move forward with their stuff.
— adapted from Claire Pedrick's updated, evolving definition of coaching.
At its core, a coaching session involves two people meeting up to work together on achieving the goals of one of them. Those goals can be personal or professional. Usually it's a bit of both, as it's impossible to separate the person(al) from the work! That's actually a good thing.
One of the things the podcast series didn’t address — and people interested in coaching often ask about — is what actually happens in a coaching session. Let’s explore this, from beginning, to middle, and actionable end.
How it all begins
The start of the coaching session — similar to the start of the coaching arrangement itself — involves setting the agenda. This is concerned with the following questions, to help structure the time and make it the most productive it can be:
What is the work to be done here?
What would you like to achieve?
How should we do this?
For every coaching session, I loosely follow a model called STOKeRS, created by Claire Pedrick and explained in her book, Simplifying Coaching. This series of questions allows us to accurately scope what needs to be done within the time we have. The questions are as follows:
S — Subject: What do we need to think about in our session today?
T — Time: Given we have [x] minutes, what about that should we focus on?
O — Outcome: What would you like to be different at the end of our time today?
K — Knowledge: How will you know you got what you needed out of this time?
E — Energy: What makes this goal important to you?
R — Role: How are we going to do this?
S — Start: Where shall we start?
We will likely cover all of these questions in some way or another. Regardless, it’s key that we’re both feeling clear about what we’re going to be talking about!
The coaching conversation
Once the subject is clear to both of us, we’re ready to start. This is the bulk of the coaching session, where we get down to it, thinking in partnership. We'll explore thoughts, feelings, and actions — all with the goal of moving you forward with your goals.
As the coach, I'll be doing a lot of deep listening and questioning. As the hero of your own journey, you'll be doing a lot of thinking, talking, and planning manageable action steps.
The questions I ask are designed to make you think deeper, to look at things differently, to expand or focus your view in ways that could be helpful.
I'm not trying to stump you, but it's ok if you are stumped! Sometimes questions can be really thought-provoking. Sometimes they don't land, too. All ok. We accept it and move on.
As the conversation continues, you'll be gaining new insights, connecting ideas, having things occur to you that hadn't surfaced before. We'll give them space, we'll play with them, and we'll observe it all with curiosity and interest.
And then we'll put these insights into actions. I won't suggest what you should do outright, but I may nudge or offer if there's something useful to share — and I'll always ask if that's welcome first!
I may also “pressure-test” your ideas, if that's what you're after. Meaning that I'll ask challenging questions that may force you to strategically defend, plan, or think things through further. Which is to say, we're not always done just because the task is defined. I'll help you anticipate and strategise around any potential obstacles, too.
How we wrap-up well
Lastly, I will ask a few concluding questions. I may ask what you will do next, allowing you to confirm the actions you will take. I'll also ask a question to offer accountability.
If it's useful and you haven't already said so, I may also ask what your key takeaway or insight is from the session we've just had. This allows you to put into words the value you gained. If you stated at the start of the session what you'd like to be different at the end, you may find yourself confirming that you've reached your goal (and the feeling you wanted to achieve from it).
And beyond
If this all sounds complicated, don't worry. My role as your coach is to walk you through the process every time, naturally and effortlessly. It’s thinking work, but there are no wrong answers — there’s only whatever our brains come up with.
Also know that while a lot happens in a session, the majority of the actual transformation and change actually happens outside of it, as you go about your days, processing and integrating your new insights and actions.
And before you know it, you’ll be your own best coach, listening to yourself deeply and responding with exactly what you need to move forward with motivation, confidence, and productive thinking (not overthinking).
